Friday, 12 September 2014

Writing term 3


WALT:  Entertain

My writing goal this term was to link paragraphs


SUCCESS CRITERIA
Paragraphing
My writing is organised into paragraphs, each with it’s own idea or ‘scene.’



TASK: craft a free-choice piece of writing that shows how I am developing my goal

Here is my first draft
"I need to find out how this is happening I can't just figure it out myself"she said aloud her nana said "you go girl but don't get changed" so she invented a special type of humanoid dummy she placed it in a sleeping bag that night and put it right under the starry night at the river of shadows. She went and hid in the bushes waiting quietly and then... Something emerged from the moon lit water it was... Two of her friends they weren't normal people they were shadows but she figured that only in the day time they are normal people they were in chains because they were being forced to take people and scare little children and make others think that they have been killed "but how are they turning into shadows"she wondered
When they when back in the water she followed them and found a dark under water lair that you can actually breath in "it's amazing"she nervously whispered under her breath some body shouted "who said that" she froze with fright , she new that voice it was... Bartholomew basin. Bartholomew basin was very chubby boy ever since Damashka said no to him when he asked her out to the school ball.he ran away never coming back. He turned on the light. Damashka got into a hiding place  just in the nick of time she felt that this was the end of the line to be specific the end of her life.
he said said to himself "I swear I heard someone"Damashka peaked around the corner he sounds and looks more handsome then he used to look ugly she thought. She slowly tiptoed in an fashion that was quite weird out of her spot that she hid in. She said "Bartholomew is that you because you look different"   "of course it's me the great Bartholomew the most evil one in the world" he boomed.

 Chapter two how the mystery began/the ending of Bartholomew basin

"Why are you capturing people and keeping them down here?" Said Damashka  " I wish to rule the "at first I thought you going to be willing to help me but I was wrong" "Any people who come down to the at night will be taken away by two a day of people once i find some one who will help me take over the world with I will let the others go or kill them. But they will still be shadows ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! "Oh I'm so evil I'll make a great king"
. "But if you tell the police about this I will take you out to the sea and drown you or make you get eaten by sharks" said Bartholomew. "I promise I won't tell the  police" said Damashka Bartholomew believed her which was a bad thing because Damashka was really smart all she had do was part up with the police and figure out a plan that would work that would save her and the other people but she needed to tell the police only if I'm in light I won't turn into a shadow so they have to find some way to keep Damashka in the light without Bartholomew knowing and to also keep the police out of sight to capture Bartholomew. When she was let go by Bartholomew she ran home. She'd remembered seeing this little machine on her friends backs she realized that she needed to go back there at night without being seen to get a sample of that little machine. At eleven o clock.( her bed time by the way) she went to her nanas room and told her what she was doing and her nana said"be back by twelve" so Damashka went to the Halloween store to get some invisible spray paint. She covered herself with the spray paint and went of to the river when she went in the place under water she found Bartholomew's room she quietly looked through the draws and found a sample she ran out of the water slipped her togs on dived in the water to get the paint off  got out of the water dried her shivering body put her clothes back on went to the store to get something to eat and went back home.she went into her lab and studied the machine and found out that in the night time the machine sprayed Invisible paint on the person to make her be invisible.she told her nana about it and went to bed. The next morning she ran to the police with the sample she told them about Bartholomew told them about the sample and explained her plan. That night she and the police at eleven snuck into Bartholomew's bedroom picked him up but then he woke up they quickly snapped hand cuffs on him freed the tranced people , got the machines of the people and put Bartholomew in jail. Before he got in the police car he shouted I'll be bbbbbaaaaaacccccckkkkk !

Here is my edtied version of a part of chapter one and all of chapter two.

"I need to find out how this is happening I can't just figure it out myself."she said aloud her nana said "don't worry I believe in you go do it but don't let him change you." so she used her new invention which is  a special type of humanoid dummy she placed it in a sleeping bag that night and put it right under the starry night ,at the river of shadows. She went and hid in the bushes waiting quietly and then...

Something emerged from the moon lit water it was... Two of her friends they weren't normal people
 they were shadows but she figured that only in the day time they are normal people they were in chains because they were being forced to take people and scare little children and make others think that they have been killed."but how are they turning into shadows"she wondered

When they when back in the water she followed them and found a dark under water lair that you can actually breath in "it's amazing."she nervously whispered under her breath some body shouted "who said that." she froze with fright , she new that voice it was... Bartholomew basin. Bartholomew basin was very chubby boy ever since Damashka said no to him when he asked her out to the school ball.he ran away never coming back. He turned on the light. Damashka got into a hiding place  just in the nick of time she felt that this was the end of the line to be specific the end of her life.

Evaluation
How has your writing has improved this term?
I don't think it has very much but this is only my opinion other people might not think that
The part of my story I am most proud of is….because…
I think the very end of my edited part I know that it will make people laugh
Next time, what is a goal you can work towards?
I think it should be my punctuation 
Feedback/Feedforward:
I liked your story and I agree with you Need a little more punctuation.
Amy


Pictures of full story

1 comment:

  1. Hi Devin - You have worked hard to try and get this finished in time with all the problems you had with your ipad. You are starting to paragraph by thinking about where one ideas stops and another starts. Don't forget to keep up the 'housekeeping'...polish up those full stops and capitals, dust away flabby detail. Although it's a bit boring (like housework) it will make your writing shine!

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